Mental illness caused by parents comparing ‘other people’s children’

An 18-year-old female student in Ho Chi Minh City told Master Vuong Nguyen Toan Thien, professional director of Lumos Counseling and Psychotherapy Center, in mid-September.

She shares that every night she doesn’t dare turn off the light to sleep, because she’s afraid her mother will complain about not staying up late to study like “people”. Whenever she is tired, Mai only knows how to slap her face many times, hurt herself to stay awake, and “plow her knowledge” even though her eyes are heavy.

In addition to studying at school, Mai’s mother registered her child for extra lessons most of the week, with a tutor, and then the girl had to study on her own until late at night. The final results showed that a colleague’s daughter was in the top 2 of the class, while Mai was only in the middle. The mother did not control herself, scolded and insulted her, causing her hurt. I begged my mother not to compare myself to others, but was scolded for being arrogant and not knowing how to strive.

In the past two months, Mai has been bored, has negative thoughts, has reduced learning ability and is no longer excited about her dream of taking the university entrance exam like before. The girl became taciturn, aloof, inattentive, less communicative, had prolonged insomnia, and occasionally burst into tears and was angry for no reason. Master Toan diagnosed me with depression and had to be treated with psychotherapy, medication, and a combination of healthy living.

Similarly, Dung, 27 years old, in Hanoi, does not have a stable job and has not dared to return to his hometown for 6 months because he is afraid his parents will ask about his job. His mother often mentioned a young man in the neighborhood the same age as Dung, who worked in information technology, praising “this person makes good money, buys cars, buys houses”.

Psychology lecturer Nguyen Thi Huong Lan, BHIU Training Institute, Bac Ha International University, Dung’s therapist, said he was heartbroken when his mother said: “Even though we study together, we live in the city, the other is still flirtatious.” “.

At one point, the boy had no job, had to borrow money to make ends meet, and was often stuck and thinking. I heard many people encourage me, “If it’s too difficult, go back to your hometown with your family,” but Dung couldn’t face his parents.

He attended a class on how to live, immediately mustered up all his courage, confided his difficulties and deadlocks to his mother, but did not expect that to be the thing that made the young man regret the most. Dung told the expert that when he heard his son’s confession, his mother criticized him: “Is your face beautiful? Look at other people.”

Dung Sinh was tired, depressed, gradually withdrew, became self-conscious, often cried secretly, turned to alcohol and hurt himself to relieve himself, gradually became depressed, often talked nonsense, and was diagnosed by a doctor as depressed. have a cold.

A global study conducted in 2021 by Barna Group (USA) and Impact 360 Institute showed that 2 out of 5 people in Gen Z will be under pressure from both inside and outside. Among them, external factors are parents’ expectations (39%) and being judged by previous generations (42%). Internal factors include pressure to succeed (56%) and the need to be perfect (42%).

Research by Dr. Duong Minh Tam, Institute of Mental Health, Bach Mai Hospital in 2019-2020, found that more than 55% of young people suffered from psychological trauma. Among them, the biggest pressure encountered is from family (20.5%).

According to expert Toan Thien, the situation of children being compared to “other people’s children” can lead to many complex psychological problems, ranging from mental difficulties to anxiety disorders and depression.

First, children feel they are not good enough, increasing feelings of anxiety, doubting their own abilities, and low self-esteem, leading to pressure to achieve expectations. Children also easily become sensitive to their own image and value, affecting their ability to build relationships and develop their careers, and lose interest in activities they previously enjoyed. When encountering incidents such as poor grades, failing exams, etc., children easily experience shock and psychological trauma that lasts into adulthood.

In terms of behavior, children may avoid social activities, change habits such as not sleeping enough or eating irregularly. Many children have rebellious behavior to resist parental pressure (especially during adolescence).

Regarding cognition, children often develop negative thoughts, self-criticism and compare themselves with others, thereby not recognizing or underestimating their own strengths.

In particular, many children show signs of “hidden depression”, according to psychology lecturer Nguyen Thi Huong Lan, BHIU Training Institute, Bac Ha International University. When interacting with many students, Ms. Lan noticed that many of them seemed very happy, worked hard and achieved remarkable academic achievements. However, when connecting and chatting deeper, many children cried and said that “there is too much pressure to maintain a perfect image”. They constantly try to the point of exhaustion, endure mental illness, and hurt themselves to relieve themselves.

Social networks contribute to the impact of mental disorders among adolescents. Children can monitor and compare themselves with others online, not to mention there are many groups related to depression and negativity. Some children use too many electronic devices, reducing their time outside, causing an imbalance in life factors, leading to more stress.

Experts advise parents to encourage and support their children’s efforts, recognizing efforts, even in small things, to help children feel more valuable and confident. Creating an open communication environment is also important, where children can freely share their feelings and thoughts. Parents listening and understanding children’s concerns will contribute to building a close and trustworthy relationship – a fulcrum for children to get up after falling.

Parents should also help children develop self-awareness skills to identify and develop their own strengths, and set personal goals instead of just focusing on comparing with the achievements of others.