My route was miraculously designed. I was 38 years old, happily married to my guy, mother of three wonderful Noam (11), Rumi (9), and Eitan (4). I knew I wanted to devour the world, invest in a career, study, get some sleep and do a lot. The powerful woman model of the twenty.first century – that’s what stood before my eyes all the time.
I remember my first date with chemotherapy. My full schedule was replaced with one meeting once every two weeks on Sundays. A large ward, huge armchairs, materials dripping them out of the infusion bags into the lives of the people sitting there, their facial expressions symbolizing despair, it looks like a last stop.
This journey met me at the beginning without a busy diary, without appointments. Painful, tired, lacking in energy, balding and leaving groups of hair everywhere. So on those hard nights I met myself, without masks, starting to really listen to myself and also talk differently. All the talk of “you are not good enough, not satisfying beautiful, smart or thin” has been replaced by warm, encouraging, containing and accepting words.
“I’m going through a rebirth process”
I felt I had to make room for my feelings. If I want to say no, I just say “I do not want, I have no power, do not want”. It helped me accept myself without a desire to fix, renovate, improve. I learned how to love myself that way, simple, I felt like I was going through a rebirth process that makes me feel loved unconditionally and regardless of any success, certificate or achievement.
That’s how I dedicated myself to cancer and the process. I agreed to listen, to accept, to cry, to shout, to be broken, to receive help, to fall, to get up, to be silent. Every day was one big lesson for me, and even more, I knew I would recover as soon as I surrendered, and not resist. In the midst of all the uncertainty I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I would lead a change in my life thanks to the disease. And so slowly, the cancer gave up on me and left my life.
A new era with a great gift
Almost two years later. I am healthy sitting in the office at noon and the phone is ringing, I see on the display the name of my doctor and my heart is falling. I knew the blood test results came as part of the close follow.up. I immediately ask, “Enough, just do not tell me please, it did not come back right?”. And he is silent for a second and says: “No no, there is probably a mistake in the blood tests. You have a high pregnancy hormone in the test, it must be a mistake.“
I fly to the women’s health center and remember a sentence that the expert in Ein Kerem asked us: “Do you want more children? Because with your chemotherapy protocol there is no chance of having children, if you want you will have to freeze eggs there is no other way.” I replied, “Thank God we have three children. Let me get well and move on with my life.“
As soon as I arrived, a doctor was waiting for me, bringing me into the room and telling me: “Don’t worry, there must be a mistake here, you underwent treatments that have no chance of getting pregnant, certainly not at the age of 41.” I lie on the ultrasound bed and there she sees him, and she says to me in tears: “You are pregnant, you have a baby at week 16.“
At that moment, I felt God whisper to me – well done! Well done for allowing yourself to be given a place, for believing in you, for meeting you. This is my gift to you. Indeed, we have won a huge and sweet gift, and it is called an era.
Do not go through it alone
Today I do not run away from pain, failure, weakness or vulnerability. I no longer have to run away, because I have myself. I own an independent business for personal and business development, helping people who find themselves with their backs to the wall in every way, connecting them to boarding schools and themselves and publishing them, and I cherish gratitude for every moment.
I recently joined the circle of mentors of Khalil HaOr, the home of leukemia patients in Israel, to help new patients cope with the disease, get all the information that only those who have been through it, know and most importantly, be there for them to listen, guidance and assistance to everything –