“How the brain of a teenager works” It is the new book of Spanish neuropsychologist and psychotherapist, Alvaro Bilbao released in Italy for Salani.
El Pais defines Bilbao “an editorial phenomenon and point of reference for parenting”, already author of successful books such as “The Child’s brain explained to parents” and today ready to accompany adults in the most critical phase of growth. AGI interviewed him, trying to enter the pages of this new book that through metaphors, stories and reflections wants to help parents find the right words to talk to the boys of the themes dear to them.
What was the starting point for this new book?
There were two. The first is that now mine children are now teenagers And therefore I no longer have an experience limited to my profession as a psychologist, but I also have an experience as a dad that can be told. The other inspiration is that more than ten years I have been holding conferences in high schools that turn to teenagers and there is a conference that has the same title as the book “How the brain of a teenager works” and every time I go for a conference in a high school the professors, the directors tell me ‘but look at these issues will not interest the boys at all’ and then instead they are interested in and how. Many parents ask me for help because they see that their children suffer in some way and need to receive words and advice to help them.
You speak of an anxious generation, what is this anxiety due to?
It is due to several factors. The first we believe that it has to do with the introduction and advent of the screens that make girls and boys have a hyperactivation to be paid by the cerebral reward circuitswhich we know are closely linked to anxiety. We also know that the boys in this case received a very kind, very affectionate, very loving, but without discipline, without discipline, without waiting and with little ability of persistence, with little tenacity. THE social network For their part they cause a need to compare themselves continuously to others, but not to other ‘normal’ people, but to people with whom it is not right to compare themselves, such as influencers, VIPs, professional sportsmen. All this inner, it means that the boys feel towards them there are greater expectations, greater needs, they feel distressed and feel they have and have, in fact, a ability to face the least things.
More than anguished perhaps we should talk about agitated, nervousneurologically more active, more likely to action.
She divides the book into themes. To these things he has just told we can also attach that poor decision -making capacity that the boys have to build their future?
What we know how to determine or damage decision -making capacity is the level of overprotection put in place by the parents. We have many studies available that confirm us, which show that the greater the hyperprotection by the parents, the lower the decision -making ability or greater the dissatisfaction with the decisions taken. For example, there is a very interesting study that tells us how teenagers whose parents who have received greater influence from parents in the choice of university studies, for example, are those who are then more dissatisfied with the studies undertaken. So you have to separate well, you have to differentiate between helping, supporting and overprotective.
She told me that students often meet and that students are very interested in these meetings.
Is this also a request for help?
I believe that teenagers are very interested in learning how to take care of their brain. In fact, girls and boys who have parents who have not taught them, for example on how much to sleep and the use of devices, can at some point losing interest in what parents have to say to them.
And yet, although they seem counter-intuitive, the children who have parents who put more limits, who for example sanction rules on the use of the screens available in time, who are very determined to prefix the number of hours of sleep necessary, are more linked to their parents.
So there is a generation that asks to be a little guided?
We are faced with a generation that has difficulties in orientating, finding the way. Because the amount of offers in terms of training, the amount of offers at hand with the screens make you feel anxious.
We know this thanks to the studies made many years ago, very interesting, in which it was possible to detect that if girls and boys who have to choose or can choose between 20 different flavors of ice cream, they were more nervous and dissatisfied than those they could choose between six tastes of ice cream. Sometimes a great fan, a large range of possibilities in front of us can, although positive, can create anxiety.
In Italy this morning we recorded the last case of a teenager who committed suicide for a challenge on the web. Cases of this type multiply. How can a parent realize what is happening and intervening?
There are many things that we could do and that we often do not do. First of all, we must be able to have access to our children’s phone. Then you have to postpone the appearance of the mobile phone in their hands up to a suitable age and postpone the appearance of social networks up to an age still later. I make a concrete example, a 12 -year -old boy or a 12 -year -old girl is not ready to have a mobile phone, but if we limit the use of this cell phone for weekend and whatsapp this thing can be manageable. When he is 14-15 we can increase the applications to which they can have access, Instagram or other social networks such as Telegram or Snapchat. Their cell phones must come later because each of these social networks has their own risks. They must learn to dominate and control the simplest social networks before moving on to these. But it is equally important to have a good relationship with the children.
Any practical advice for adults?
We have to know what they do with friends and what they do on social networks. It is normal for teenagers to have risk behaviors, whether it is too strong on a bike or playing, but these are at risk behaviors in some way tolerable and we must pay close attention to see if by chance your children are within these acceptable limits. Last weekend, my daughter who is 13 years old went to the shopping center with friends and on his return he told me that some of them had stolen sweets. The fact that my daughter tells me such an episode, gives me confidence in the sense that my daughter is able, is ready to tell me these things, which has total trust in me to understand how far the actions that performs are dangerous.
Sometimes parents are victims of a sick society because of social networks and must not feel guilty. But what we have to do is pay really a lot of attention, to be very close to our children, and try to have a conversation as open as possible. Some alarm signals may reside in the fact that they do not know their friends, who have only virtual friends and who spend a lot of time in their room. If before sleeping they continue to stay on social media, if they struggle to share time with the rest of the family, we have to put limits and increase the vigilance.