“I worked hard to recover from my eating disorder

It’s been a decade since Paulina Pinsky wrote about recovering from an eating disorder. She got tired of writing about the issue – mainly because she thought the problem was solved. “I thought we all embraced the ‘body positive’ values, and were ready to feed not only our hunger, but also our passions and curiosity. Collectively, we decided that we are much more than our external appearance, and that the diet culture lost its relevance. We learned that you can be healthy at any body size.” , she wrote in a moving personal column in Huffington Post British, and shared there her personal journey from dealing with an eating disorder at a young age, which resulted from cultural and environmental pressure to be thin when she was an ice skating gymnast in her youth, to her recovery process. She was then required to lose weight in order to succeed, which led to extreme eating and a negative attitude towards her body. Only in college, after she distanced herself from the life that led her to self-destruction, did she begin a recovery process that included treatment and changing her perceptions of her body and weight.”Then the ‘miracle drug’ appeared,” she writes, “and suddenly it seemed that everyone—including those who claimed to love their bodies or embraced the idea of ​​body positivity—was willing to empty their bank accounts to be thin. I can’t help but ask myself: ‘Was I the only one who really tried to break away from the diet culture?’

“I didn’t dare go over the 1,200 calories a day”

Between the ages of 5 and 18, Pinsky was a professional ice skater, so her coaches, her mother and her nutritionist demanded that she lose weight. “From the age of 8, my body became a problem. If I wanted to skate on the ice, I had to lose weight. The nutritionist, who I visited every week, weighed me and told me what I was allowed to eat.
At the age of 12, I ate a 100 calorie snack and didn’t dare go over the 1,200 calorie mark a day. Hot fat-free smoothies or low-fat cheese provided me with the protein. When there was no time to eat – and that was the only thing I could think about, when would I be able to eat again – six cans of Diet Coke seemed reasonable.

 

“Ice skating was no longer love or passion – it became a test of commitment and discipline. So many unwritten rules that still resonate in my head: egg yolks were considered too fatty, and so was avocado. When my body began to go through the maturation processes, the basics that my body needed to To survive ― carbohydrates and natural fats ― were declared my enemies… There were no social networks then, but the celebrity tabloids filled the space with loud enough noise. At the age of 12, I lost the pounds that everyone around me demanded I lose. It felt like a victory in a silent war. My skating friends and mothers at school asked me how I managed to get so thin. The brilliance of being able to do what no one else has been able to do: disappear openly.”

“I had to hit rock bottom to start the road to recovery”

It wasn’t until her second semester of college, when she was away from ice skating and the context in which she grew up, that Pinsky realized how much her body was suffering. She found herself on her knees in front of the toilet in her childhood home, after a day in which she threw up eight times, and could no longer ignore the fact that she was making herself sick. At the age of 19, she returned to school, turned to a therapist and began the process of recovering from her eating disorder.

“As soon as I could name the silent war that was going on inside me, I couldn’t ignore the feeling of rage,” she writes, “The anger was directed at all the cultural forces that supported and justified my self-destruction and that of many other women. I realized that the idea of ​​convincing women that their bodies are the most important project they need Focusing on it keeps them too hungry to pursue other dreams.As I reached adulthood, I realized that my hunger kept me quiet and hyper-focused The extent of something that didn’t allow me to influence the world or pursue my interests”.

“I realized that the idea of ​​convincing women that their bodies are the most important project they should focus on keeps them too hungry to pursue other dreams.”

Body positivity: the hope that ignited the recovery process

In the 2010s, the ethos of body positivity felt like a bright spot for Pinsky. The idea that you don’t have to conform to one model of beauty or pursue thinness became the basis of her recovery. She learned that you can be healthy at any body size. The assumption that it is a concern for health when raising the issue of weight is not only harmful but also completely false – weight is not always an indication of health. “I knew that people around me don’t really care about my health; they just want me to look thin and beautiful”.

The big turning point: learning to be neutral towards the body

Pinsky’s therapist told her that she should spend at least the amount of time she had with the eating disorder recovering from it. seven years She clung to that number as if it were her release date from a self-imposed prison. “During the process, I discovered the principle of neutrality towards my body – an approach that was closer to my practice of body positivity,” she writes, “I stopped dieting and started listening to my hunger, learning how to nourish my body and soul. When I looked in the mirror and negative thoughts appeared, no I dealt with them, and slowly, after years of not paying attention, they disappeared”.

13Years later, her body is no longer a prison but a place of safety. “My weight went up and down, and I’m fine with that. With a history of extreme diets since childhood, my body is still readjusting,” she says, “When I quit alcohol in 2021, I lost 9 kg, simply because I stopped smoking bhang and eating cakes at night. The reactions of the people around me – the excitement of my ‘shrunken body’ – reminded me of the time when I was 16, fascinated that people celebrated my disappearance.”

But after a decade of recovery, she realized something deeper was going on. After a hard breakup and feeling low, her body was traumatized. If she ate beyond the feeling of satiety, she immediately felt the urge to vomit – an urge she thought had already disappeared, but turned out to be alive and well.

“If we are given the opportunity to be thin, we will pay for it. We will manage the nausea if it means contracting without effort. Even surgery to remove the gallbladder or pancreatitis will not be an obstacle if we can finally be thin”

The most important lesson: the weight always comes back

The thing about losing weight is that it always comes back. Every time we diet, our body increases its basic natural weight, so the weight doesn’t just return – it also increases. That’s how it works. Health, well-being and peace are not measured by weight or appearance. They start with learning to listen to our body and stop waging war against ourselves.

“Over time, when I got sober and stayed clean, the weight came back,” she says, “I found myself grieving the moment I unintentionally lost weight, even though it was one of the most traumatic times in my life. The times when I was thinnest always coincided with the times when I was most unhappy.”

In Pinsky’s second year of sobriety, as she walked through the airport in Atlanta, advertisements were everywhere shouting about the weight loss shots. On her Instagram, strangers looked like they had shrunk in half overnight. Influencers who built careers on the idea of ​​body acceptance chose to change their bodies, to become exactly what they claimed their audience didn’t have to be.. “No one is willing to admit it,” she claims, “that if we were given the opportunity to be thin, we would pay for it. We would pay $1,000-500 a month. We would deal with the nausea if it meant contracting without effort. Even surgery to remove the gallbladder or pancreatitis would not will be an obstacle if we can finally be thin. As long as we can be what the culture claims will make us what we always wanted to be, we will pay any price.”.

It is important to clarify: losing weight can be a positive choice for the body

Pinsky finally qualifies her words and says that losing weight can be a continuous and real effort to change, which includes a healthy diet, exercise and a balanced lifestyle. Part of a positive process where we learn to live better with our bodies. But it takes time – it’s not an instant change at the click of a button. And what happens when the medicine runs out, and the hunger returns? The cycle continues, over and over, up and down.

“I watch people with new ‘Ozmpic bodies’ shame themselves with pictures of their bigger bodies and emphasize their current state. No one is willing to admit: ‘I’m willing to do anything to be thin, even if it affects my health in the future,’ or worse : ‘I’ll do anything to be thin, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted,'” she concludes, “and the worst part? If you’re not willing to take the ‘wonder drug’, you’re seen as a who that neglect their health. But I refuse to be deceived. It’s about the same toxic propaganda we’ve been fed for years, just in a new guise.”.