Saint Francis of Assisi could talk to animals. That would make things a lot easier. Tell me, Brother Whitefish, how will Germany and Switzerland end on Sunday? And Brother Whitefish would answer: Victory for Germany. Or: Victory for Switzerland. Depending on whether you had caught a whitefish from the German or the Swiss part of Lake Constance.
:European Football Championship 2024: Schedule and groups at a glance
The European Football Championship has been running in Germany since June 14th. Who is playing against whom and when? The schedule with all the dates – also as a PDF to print out.
Whether it’s life, hull insurance or gambling, Germans like to insure themselves. Before the European Championship opener against Scotland, half of the Noah’s Ark passenger list was asked to make a prediction. The panel included a lowland tapir from the Münster Zoo, a sea lion from Leipzig and a privately owned dachshund from Munich. Tapir Theo predicted a win for Scotland, sea lion Hilla predicted a draw, and dachshund Ludwig predicted a German win. Hmm. Before the second group match, saddleback pig Molly, who lives in Görlitz, predicted a German win, Shi-Tzu Yoda from Soest predicted Hungary, as did the notoriously unpatriotic Theo. Before the knockout matches, a slow loris, a dik-dik and a paramecium are also to be used.
Theo, Molly, Yoda, they are all children of the longing for Paul, the infallible octopus that started the whole modern oracle-seeking business. During the 2010 World Cup, Paul correctly predicted the winners of all seven of the German team’s games and the final. His method was compellingly simple: Paul ate from a food container with the corresponding country’s flag on it, which was of course obscured for him as a qualified heraldist. A few weeks after the World Cup, he went to eternal Delphi.
Grey geese are apparently only partially suitable for the purposes of augurs
Even in ancient Rome, people tried to predict the future from the way birds fly; after all, they have to know where the wind is blowing from and where. The General Federal Surveyor Hansi F. later failed miserably in Qatar to revive this tradition. Apparently, grey geese are just as unsuitable for reading as two-toed sloths, which weigh things up carefully but only come to a decision long after the tournament is over.
Unfortunately, Dr. Dolittle’s practice is also closed due to the European Championship holiday, so every laundromat and betting shop will have to continue to use their own oracles at random. It’s a miracle that “Fressnapf” isn’t sponsoring all this fortune-telling yet. But why not? “God is happy about every little animal,” Beckenbauer would have said. For the local saint Franz von Giesing, the matter was clear anyway: “Well, there’s only one possibility: victory, draw or defeat.”