Why it’s so hard for us to say no (and how learning to do it can improve your life)

Have you ever agreed to do something because you were afraid of saying no?

If so, you are not alone. According to various research, many people find it difficult to set limits.

The reasons? Among others, the fear of being excluded, of creating a negative image of ourselves or the need to be complacent with those around us.

The Spanish neuropsychologist Alba Cardalda He decided to study the topic in depth after realizing that a large number of his patients had problems with their personal relationships precisely because they could not say ‘enough’.

From his research, the book was born How to say fuck off politely (Vergara publishing house), in which he delves into the importance of setting limits assertively.

At BBC Mundo we spoke with Cardalda, who warns that the only way to build healthy relationships is with honesty and respecting one’s own limits and those of others.

Why is it so hard for us to say no?

Because we are not educated to say no and to be able to say it in a kind or assertive way. On the contrary: we are educated to please others without taking our own emotions into account.

We are usually thought to be selfish or even bad people if we refuse something. We are taught to prioritize what others want or demand and not to value what one feels or to be honest with what we want or don’t want.

In part, because we are always seeking approval from those around us.

How does not being able to say no affect us?

Not giving importance to what we really want to do leads us to accumulate small discomforts that can greatly affect our life and our emotional health.

Because it is something that happens every day, even if we don’t realize it. For example, when a co-worker asks you for a favor – to cover for him or to take on some tasks that do not depend on you – and you can’t say no.

Or with friends or family when they propose a plan and sometimes we really don’t want to because we are tired and we end up doing something we don’t feel like doing.

Loading up on things that we don’t want to do – or that we don’t have time to do – generates overwhelm, stress and anxiety.

And, on the other hand, it damages our self-esteem because overlooking our preferences are small self-sabotages that we do to ourselves. It is the absence of self-care and that has an important effect.

In your book you say that fear or guilt also play an important role in people who can’t say no. How can you overcome those fears or guilt?

When we have been taught from a very young age that saying no can mean that they reject us or that they have a negative opinion of us, that generates fear in us because it is a threat to our self-concept, which is rooted in self-esteem.

In the end, we are social beings and, therefore, the influence of our social environment is very strong.

So you have to do progressive work; We cannot expect to overcome fear or guilt overnight.

First, we have to be aware and identify why we are not able to set a limit. Why haven’t I said no to this person? Am I afraid that he will get angry or that he will think that I am selfish or that I am not a good friend, a good son or a good partner? Only by answering these questions will we be able to identify the problem.

And, from there, you can set small daily goals to overcome those fears.

For example, practice saying ‘no’ in a way that I feel comfortable doing. Because saying: ‘I don’t want’ is not the same as giving an argument that is a little more assertive but equally honest and respectful of what we want.

In your research you also talk about the fact that there are different limits, such as physical and emotional ones, and that the latter are the most difficult to mark. Because?

Because they are limits that cannot be seen. And, for the same reason, it is not so clear when they are transferred. It is not like closing the door to the room, but much more complex.

Therefore, it is important to know yourself. One of the things I recommend is identifying your negotiable limits and those that are not negotiable. Having that clear allows you to be more flexible in what is not so important to you.

But the only way to preserve our well-being is by setting limits. Because they also define the type of relationship we have with others and are very important for creating healthy bonds and surrounding ourselves with people who treat us well.

And I think that with people who don’t treat us well or who don’t respect those limits, we have to know how to put distance.

In other words -and quoting the title of your book-, “send to hell politely”…

Exactly.

When a person crosses boundaries over and over again, it’s completely legitimate to tell them to fuck off.

It is the only way we have to preserve our dignity. Doing so also gives a lot of peace of mind and is essential for your emotional health. It is almost an obligation to oneself.

And what happens is that other person immediately starts treating you with respect.

But how do you say fuck off politely?

What I always recommend is clarity above all. If someone is manipulating us or making us feel bad, instead of falling into the game and looking for excuses, we should be direct.

There are people who make you feel guilty and I think that is a horrible manipulation.

It’s what you call “emotional blackmail”…

Clear. It is difficult to realize the amount of blackmail that can be done to us and even that one can do to people without meaning to.

There are emotional blackmails that are very explicit, that are very easy to detect. But there are others that are very subtle.

For example?

It is common that when one does something for another person, one unconsciously expects the other person to do the same. And if he doesn’t, we get angry.

And the way we behave so that the other person feels bad if they don’t do what we want has a manipulative element that is very subtle. But it is essential to identify it so that our ties are healthy and not based on these elements of manipulation.

How can maintaining healthy relationships contribute to our well-being and happiness?

According to the conclusion of the longest study on happiness ever carried out – which was conducted by Harvard University psychiatry professor Robert Waldinger – people are happier to the extent that we have better social ties with our immediate environment.

This conclusion was very decisive because it had previously been stated that to be happy you had to do a lot of sports or live more in contact with nature or be economically well-situated or work in what you like… but this study showed that the most important thing is to maintain healthy bonds with other people.

And for these ties to be healthy, one of the premises is that there must be honesty. People have to be able to express themselves with sincerity and transparency. And not allowing things that bother you or cross your limits.

Therefore, having those uncomfortable conversations is what allows us to build healthy, strong and long-lasting relationships.

In your book, you say that we can’t understand what boundaries are without talking about basic assertive rights. What are they?

They are those that we all have by virtue of being people and that must be respected.

For example, the right to have your own opinion, to say no or say yes, the right to be treated with respect and dignity, to change your mind, to be master of your own time, your body and your life.

These rights are very important. You have to be clear about them and respect them both in others and in yourself.

What role do different cultures play in all this? Are there regions where people have a harder time saying no than others?

Yes. Culture plays a fundamental role.

If we talk about assertiveness and setting limits, I think that in Latin America it is more complex because society is more complacent. Much more than, for example, Anglo-Saxon culture.

Although Anglo-Saxons tend to be more politethe ‘no’ is assumed or respected in a politically correct way. In Latin America, on the other hand, ‘no’ is something that is perceived almost as bad manners.

There are also differences between men and women. Women tend to be more accommodating than men.

Religion also plays an important role in this, the original sin of Jewish-Christian culture is closely related to feeling guilty for setting limits or expressing what we really feel or need.

How much harder is it to say no today in a digitalized world that, in one way or another, exacerbates people’s need for approval?

There is a part of the need for approval that is inherent to human beings due to the fact that they are gregarious, social beings. We need the approval of the group to survive and that is why it matters so much to us.

The problem comes when this social approval is excessive, as I believe is happening increasingly strongly promoted in part by social networks, which quantify your social approval with the likes.

If the person needs external approval to feel valuable, a dependency is generated that is not correct because we lose individuality and the ability to make decisions. And that makes us unhappy because we make decisions based on pleasing others.

Does that need for approval change with age?

Yes. As the years go by, we care less about what others say. You didn’t like it? Well, I can’t do anything.

You value your close circle more and you no longer lose sleep if someone doesn’t like what you told them.

It also has to do with being aware of the importance of time. As you get older, you realize how valuable time is, how quickly it passes. Then we know better what to prioritize.