Sexual gap in old age

Mr. Minh quietly went to the Department of Kidney and Urology Surgery – Andrology, Hospital E, Hanoi, for a health check. Unlike people of the same age who often worry about blood pressure or bone and joint diseases, what worries Mr. Minh the most is the feeling of loneliness and emptiness in his spiritual life.

He admitted that he still had desires, but always felt self-conscious: “I’m old, if I say it, people will laugh.” Not having anyone to share with made him live a closed life, leading to prolonged insomnia, mood swings and a rapid feeling of physical weakness.

Doctor Pham Quang Khai, Department of Kidney and Urology Surgery – Andrology, Hospital E, said test results showed that the patient’s testosterone levels decreased according to the rules of aging, but sexual needs remained high. “This is completely a normal human physiological problem, not a disease or deviation,” Dr. Khai affirmed.

Similarly, Mrs. Hanh (69 years old) fell into a “mental illness” even though her family was fine. After her husband contracted prostate disease, the couple’s sex life almost cooled. Not only does it stop at the physical level, the spiritual connection between grandparents also disappears. The two lived in the same house but could not find a common language and often quarreled. In her late years, she felt lonely in her own home.

According to Dr. Khai, sexual activity among the elderly in Vietnam is often “forgotten” by society or considered taboo. Many people assume that “when you’re old, you don’t need sex” and force yourself to live an exemplary life for your children and grandchildren to follow. However, data from the University of Michigan (USA) shows that up to 40% of people aged 65 to 80 still maintain regular sexual activity. Lindau’s research was published in a medical journal The New England Journal of Medicine shows that the rate of sexual activity in the 65–74 year old group reached 53%, and in the 75–85 year old group it was 26%.

“This is a huge psychological gap. If relatives do not understand and sympathize, the elderly can easily fall into depression,” Dr. Khai shared.

Dr.BS.CK2 Tra Anh Duy, Men’s Health Center for Men’s Health, said the center has received many men over 70 years old for andrological examination. Most of them are shy, afraid of being judged or worried about whether their body is “abnormal”. Many people also have underlying medical conditions such as heart disease, blood pressure, or are “out of phase” with their partners.

Dr. Duy analyzed that in men, sperm is continuously produced from puberty until the end of life, so reproductive function and physiological needs can last a lifetime. Although the aging body reduces the ability to adapt, this is the period when people are most fulfilled in terms of finances, children and free time. Therefore, the need for closeness to enjoy life is completely legitimate. About 25-30% of people over 60-70 years old still maintain this need.

“Sex in old age, if moderated, is a tonic for both the body and mind. On the contrary, if suppressed, the elderly are prone to anxiety, guilt, and self-isolation,” said Dr. Duy.

In fact, at clinics, very few elderly people actively discuss frankly about sex with doctors. They often “borrow an excuse” to get examined for diseases such as nocturia, prostate enlargement, and back pain to investigate. When unable to find relief, many men secretly buy erectile dysfunction drugs, tinctures or high-dose floating products online, leading to many dangerous health consequences.

Explaining the reason, most of this group is afraid of being judged by their children or grandchildren or afraid of being evaluated by doctors. However, the most dangerous thing in old age is not still having desires, but silently resolving desires with unsafe measures.

There is no general formula for the frequency of sex at age 70. This must depend on the condition of the heart, blood pressure, bones and joints, and especially the consent of your partner. In addition, the concept of sex at this age needs to be understood more broadly, not necessarily intercourse, but behaviors such as hugging, kissing, holding hands, stroking or whispering are also a form of healthy sex.

Long-term suppression can be harmful, but it should not be interpreted as “abstaining from sex will cause illness”. The problem lies in feelings of shame, loneliness, being denied the need for intimacy and not daring to seek medical assistance. When a natural need is considered “shameful”, men easily feel anxious, feel guilty, avoid communication with their partner, and even seek out erectile dysfunction drugs, alcohol, or unsafe oral products.

“Sex in old age should be seen as part of health, attachment and human dignity, as long as it is safe, voluntary and appropriate to the health condition,” the doctor said.

Families should avoid jokes that seem harmless but are very painful, such as “You’re still making jokes when you’re old”, “You’re so weird”, “You’re still greedy at this age”. Those sentences can make the elderly feel embarrassed, withdrawn, avoid medical examination, or secretly seek out erectile dysfunction drugs, tinctures, or unsafe word-of-mouth products. We should not force the elderly to “turn off all desires”, but need to help them live safely, kindly, with dignity and less loneliness.