What causes a couple to lose their desire?

A couple in their 40s, married for 11 years and with two young children, came to Men’s Health Center after months of conflict over sex. The wife said that many times she actively approached her but her husband refused. At first she thought her husband was too busy, then gradually suspected he no longer loved her. Meanwhile, the husband confided that “he still loves his wife, but every time he thinks about having to show it off, he feels pressured.”

According to Dr.BS.CK2 Tra Anh Duy, the husband is under financial pressure after a difficult business period, only sleeping 5-6 hours a night, gaining weight, and losing morning erections. Examination recorded waist circumference 99 cm, BMI 28.1 kg/m2, blood pressure 138/88 mmHg; Tests showed slightly increased blood sugar and blood fat, and low normal testosterone in the context of insomnia, stress and excess belly fat.

“The wife thinks she’s been rejected, while the husband feels like each intimate session is like an exam. If you don’t understand the cause properly, the misalignment of desire can easily turn into marital conflict,” Dr. Duy said.

This condition is quite common in couples after many years of living together. Many marriages fall apart not because of falling out of love or having a third person, but because the two people gradually have “different time zones” in their intimacy. One person wants to be close to feel loved, the other person is always tired or stressed so they avoid it.

According to Dr. Duy, sexual desire is not only affected by hormones but also depends on sleep, stress, emotions, body image, illness, medications being used and relationship quality. People who are often rejected often think they are no longer attractive or loved. On the contrary, avoidant people may be exhausted from taking care of children, work pressure, financial worries, low self-esteem about appearance, pain during sex, erectile dysfunction or anxiety about sexual ability.

A study by Mark and Murray shows that desire discrepancy is one of the common problems in long-term couples, affecting sexual life satisfaction and relationship quality. Wanting more doesn’t mean being selfish, wanting less doesn’t mean being cold. It is important that two people understand and deal with that difference.

Issues such as postpartum, lack of sleep, childcare, body changes, reduced private time and the pressure of parenting can cause decreased desire in both husband and wife. The person who still desires feels abandoned, while the other person sees intimacy as an extra “task” after a long, tiring day.

Financial pressure also makes it difficult for many people to relax and stimulate desire. After many years of marriage, couples often only discuss children, work, and bills but rarely share their feelings, causing the gap to widen.

Research by McNulty and colleagues in 2016 noted that marital satisfaction does not depend on the number of times of sex but also on the feeling of being understood and not being forced. Dr. Duy said many people have responsive desires, which means they don’t naturally think about sex but will feel inspired when they relax, cuddle and feel safe. If they are pressured to “get excited right away”, they are more likely to avoid it.

According to Dr. Duy, treatment is not just about taking medication or testing testosterone, but also about improving sleep, reducing stress, controlling weight, increasing exercise and helping two people communicate more openly. Couples should talk when they are both calm. Instead of blaming “I don’t love you anymore” or “you always say no”, share your feelings to open a dialogue.

If the condition lasts for many months, causes arguments, avoidance or is accompanied by erectile dysfunction, pain during sex, insomnia or sadness, couples should see a doctor or counselor.